Gotta Get Through This…

No,not the cheesy Daniel Beddingfield song.. 

Me, I’ve got to get through this, dark, tight chest ,can’t breathe, can’t focus on anything but the futility of this crap…’existence’ In this vastly over populated world, I am a waste.

Flashbacks rip me to shreds. Annihilate. What chance did I ever really have? This path was chosen for me before I could even speak.Nights of strangers that visited my bed.Took things, things that were never really mine.Rage bubbles inside WHY!!!!????? Why can’t I not care ? Not allow those evil sad men any more of my time or energy,Heaven knows they have taken enough for a lifetime. Why do I have to care? It was just my body…that’s all. It doesn’t matter. It does not matter. Snap out of this .Stop. Stop…but I feel in my body what my mind does not want to think about…Why did it have to hurt so,so much. His hand,fingers coiled in my hair pulling,pulling me like a rag doll,pulling hard,smashes my face into the floor.Stop. it doesn’t matter. God,why don’t I just down me a bottle with some Valium & sleepers ? I cannot let this screw up my sobriety. They can’t have that,that is mine. But sober this is agony. I feel a hand at my throat as he curled up his fist & punched me in between my legs. I can feel it.Still.Now.Where is my God to take this away ? I barely made it to school in the mornings after the visits that consumed those nights. No one saw through the silence…No one sees through it still. Alone with my paralyzing memories. Its OK ,It does Not matter.It does Not matter.


Life After Anorexia

I hate that I have allowed this to consume me yet again;
In the last 6 months I have lost all muscle tone & over half my body weight. I look ill, I know. I’m told often enough.
I battled anorexia for over 6 years in my late teens and thought I had won; sadly it has snuck up again in my late 30’s…..
I haven’t got the strength to fight this time 😒

The Colour Of Madness

I saw you standing there in the supermarket and I recognised you immediately, even though we had never met. Your painfully thin frame draping in clothes that were far too big yet to you still a comfort blanket of protection between you and the world.

You were staring anxiously at a box of pastries in your hand as though you were willing them to spontaneously combust and remove the agonising choice that lay before you. You put it down, spun around and walked five paces before spinning back and picking it up again. You turned it over looking at the nutritional label again, praying for it to somehow change to reveal numbers that you could be okay with.

I glanced to the side and saw another girl watching you, she was pushing a trolley filled with the regular things people buy at the supermarket, her face, her hair looked a…

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One of the most dangerous ways to react to someone with BPD who is asking for help when they are suicidal or self-harming

This is another horrendous example of how we are treated ( Mental health patients)
This made me weep x


TRIGGER WARNING: fairly massive warning on this one that this post discusses suicide and self harm and issues around getting care in crisis…

Yesterday I was met with one of the most punitive, ignorant and dangerous reactions I have had from a medical professional. I wonder if people who react like this actually do not realise the genuine danger patients are in and how much further into danger this kind of reaction pushes us.

As I write this post I want to be clear that I am now safe and have received help and I am not posting this to alarm or worry readers about me. I’ve been seen in emergency services and eventually had very supportive care, which I will post about in due course. Please don’t panic about me. I am now safe and have had help. I just think what I experienced earlier is a massively dangerous…

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My Feet Will Want To March To Where You Are Sleeping..

As you my love ❤lay in hospital,your body withering away under the shadow of death….You are my Everything, you see my light & even love my dark.You gave me the greatest gift in our baby girl. So, for you…My feet will want to march to Where You Are Sleeping, But I Shall Go On Living … ”
I would have followed you anywhere ,and did. Others remember drunken fumbling,nights & even days of a kind of mad stalking desire where I magically made you submit to my whims & forced change of a cataclysmic measure upon you, Changed you, took away your power & ruthlessly left you in a dark black maze where there was no hope, just madness.
Truthfully I have no such power, magical or other.
And in that maze of hopelessness you were not alone…Helpless & beaten we clung desperately to each other.
Eighteen years on, after everything & everybody we fought & I AM SCARED…My fear that this time I cannot follow you to where you are destined – & you my beautiful, kind, honourable, moral Husband are going into the light of Heaven. There is no darkness waiting for you now.