Gotta Get Through This…

No,not the cheesy Daniel Beddingfield song.. 

Me, I’ve got to get through this, dark, tight chest ,can’t breathe, can’t focus on anything but the futility of this crap…’existence’ In this vastly over populated world, I am a waste.

Flashbacks rip me to shreds. Annihilate. What chance did I ever really have? This path was chosen for me before I could even speak.Nights of strangers that visited my bed.Took things, things that were never really mine.Rage bubbles inside WHY!!!!????? Why can’t I not care ? Not allow those evil sad men any more of my time or energy,Heaven knows they have taken enough for a lifetime. Why do I have to care? It was just my body…that’s all. It doesn’t matter. It does not matter. Snap out of this .Stop. Stop…but I feel in my body what my mind does not want to think about…Why did it have to hurt so,so much. His hand,fingers coiled in my hair pulling,pulling me like a rag doll,pulling hard,smashes my face into the floor.Stop. it doesn’t matter. God,why don’t I just down me a bottle with some Valium & sleepers ? I cannot let this screw up my sobriety. They can’t have that,that is mine. But sober this is agony. I feel a hand at my throat as he curled up his fist & punched me in between my legs. I can feel it.Still.Now.Where is my God to take this away ? I barely made it to school in the mornings after the visits that consumed those nights. No one saw through the silence…No one sees through it still. Alone with my paralyzing memories. Its OK ,It does Not matter.It does Not matter.

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Mother, I hold You

I dream of this kind of relationship…💔

Fighting for a Future

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It is true
I was created in you.
It is also true
That you were created for me.
I owned your voice.
It was shaped and tuned to soothe me.
Your arms were molded
Into a cradle to hold me, to rock me.
The scent of your body was the air
Perfumed for me to breathe.

Mother,
During those early, dearest days
I did not dream that you had
A large life which included me,
For I had a life
Which was only you.

Time passed steadily and drew us apart.
I was unwilling.
I feared if I let you go
You would leave me eternally.
You smiled at my fears, saying
I could not stay in your lap forever.
That one day you would have to stand
And where would I be?
You smiled again.
I did not.
Without warning you left me,
But you returned immediately.
You left…

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“They Torture One Another”

Words I cannot speak,expressed perfectly by the Poet..

Fighting for a Future

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“Human beings suffer,
They torture one another,
They get hurt and get hard.
No poem or play or song

Can fully right a wrong
Inflicted and endured.
The innocent in gaols
Beat on their bars together.

A hunger-striker’s father
Stands in the graveyard dumb.
The police widow in veils
Faints at the funeral home.

History says, don’t hope
On this side of the grave.
But then, once in a lifetime
The longed-for tidal wave

Of justice can rise up,

And hope and history rhyme.
So hope for a great sea-change
On the far side of revenge.
Believe that further shore

Is reachable from here.
Believe in miracle
And cures and healing wells.
Call miracle self-healing:

The utter, self-revealing
Double-take of feeling.
If there’s fire on the mountain
Or lightning and storm

And a god speaks from the sky
That means someone is hearing
The outcry and the birth-cry
Of new…

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Life After Anorexia

I hate that I have allowed this to consume me yet again;
In the last 6 months I have lost all muscle tone & over half my body weight. I look ill, I know. I’m told often enough.
I battled anorexia for over 6 years in my late teens and thought I had won; sadly it has snuck up again in my late 30’s…..
I haven’t got the strength to fight this time 😒

The Colour Of Madness

I saw you standing there in the supermarket and I recognised you immediately, even though we had never met. Your painfully thin frame draping in clothes that were far too big yet to you still a comfort blanket of protection between you and the world.

You were staring anxiously at a box of pastries in your hand as though you were willing them to spontaneously combust and remove the agonising choice that lay before you. You put it down, spun around and walked five paces before spinning back and picking it up again. You turned it over looking at the nutritional label again, praying for it to somehow change to reveal numbers that you could be okay with.

I glanced to the side and saw another girl watching you, she was pushing a trolley filled with the regular things people buy at the supermarket, her face, her hair looked a…

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One of the most dangerous ways to react to someone with BPD who is asking for help when they are suicidal or self-harming

This is another horrendous example of how we are treated ( Mental health patients)
This made me weep x

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TRIGGER WARNING: fairly massive warning on this one that this post discusses suicide and self harm and issues around getting care in crisis…

Yesterday I was met with one of the most punitive, ignorant and dangerous reactions I have had from a medical professional. I wonder if people who react like this actually do not realise the genuine danger patients are in and how much further into danger this kind of reaction pushes us.

As I write this post I want to be clear that I am now safe and have received help and I am not posting this to alarm or worry readers about me. I’ve been seen in emergency services and eventually had very supportive care, which I will post about in due course. Please don’t panic about me. I am now safe and have had help. I just think what I experienced earlier is a massively dangerous…

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