For me, it has to be that simple. Live, get well & really live & commit everything 100% to living this life, throwing everything at it that I’ve learned about myself along the way & get on board. Because that is the only simple truth that I am left with, I have made the choice to live- That has to be the biggest decision ever ! I have chosen to NOT throw in the towel, call it a day, Commit Suicide. To quote a favourite film of mine ” I Choose Life ”
Most importantly to me is that it is a choice ( those choices have been few & far between for me ) that I have made & a decision to carry it through every single second, minute, hour, day & sometimes what feels like never ending night, This can be difficult. However, I have to allow myself the small victories… I have a fantastic success rating based on the fact that I’m still here !!! Despite some pretty impressive attempts to not be.
There are a lot of reasons for deciding/choosing not to live = My illness, my exhausting addictions, my reckless way of alienating the people I care most for…. et al
For me there are two reasons to live = My Beloved daughter & because I DESERVE a life ! I must remind myself of that as much as I remember to breathe in & out, I Deserve to live. And that is different to what I had been doing, going the motions ‘ existing’ in a numb & nothing place.
I have D.I.D & complex PTSD These are a direct result of my past, yes my childhood also my adolescence. I am, in short ‘fecked up’ Horrible, disgusting, sociopathic people tried to ruin me, to break me – and it worked, my mind split it splintered into seperate parts each able to do what the other part couldn’t.And although DID is an ‘ illness ‘ if you look in any ( recent ) DSM , For me it is a gift , a gift that has allowed me to live because for sure without DID I would’ve died trying.