Gotta Get Through This…

No,not the cheesy Daniel Beddingfield song.. 

Me, I’ve got to get through this, dark, tight chest ,can’t breathe, can’t focus on anything but the futility of this crap…’existence’ In this vastly over populated world, I am a waste.

Flashbacks rip me to shreds. Annihilate. What chance did I ever really have? This path was chosen for me before I could even speak.Nights of strangers that visited my bed.Took things, things that were never really mine.Rage bubbles inside WHY!!!!????? Why can’t I not care ? Not allow those evil sad men any more of my time or energy,Heaven knows they have taken enough for a lifetime. Why do I have to care? It was just my body…that’s all. It doesn’t matter. It does not matter. Snap out of this .Stop. Stop…but I feel in my body what my mind does not want to think about…Why did it have to hurt so,so much. His hand,fingers coiled in my hair pulling,pulling me like a rag doll,pulling hard,smashes my face into the floor.Stop. it doesn’t matter. God,why don’t I just down me a bottle with some Valium¬†& sleepers ? I cannot let this screw up my sobriety. They can’t have that,that is mine. But sober this is agony. I feel a hand at my throat as he curled up his fist & punched me in between my legs. I can feel it.Still.Now.Where is my God to take this away ? I barely made it to school in the mornings after the visits that consumed those nights. No one saw through the silence…No one sees through it still. Alone with my paralyzing memories. Its OK ,It does Not matter.It does Not matter.

I am…

I am the Child
I am the child who lived with chaos, unpredictability and a hunger to be held, to feel love
I am the child who cried and no one came, who smiled and received a frown, who did not learn to laugh
I am the child who felt so many things sadness, excitement, anxiety, fear, curiosity, confusion
I am the child who without help to fathom my feelings so they sat in me then as they sit in me now

I am the adult who wants to be held, caressed, embraced but can not ask for it
I am the adult who shows too many, too few emotions to loved ones, to strangers, to you
I am the adult with no words to set free feelings so I unleash them with cold cuts into my skin
I am the adult who drinks and dopes my brain to suffocate and sedate a fountain of feelings

I am the child who lived with chaos, unpredictability and a hunger to be held, to feel love
I am the child who learnt to connect with you when you accepted all of me
I am the child who found words for my feelings when you did too
I am the child who knows, feels, and bathes in love from you
I am the child who will be the parent with love to give, feelings to share, acceptance to offer