I am…

I am the Child
I am the child who lived with chaos, unpredictability and a hunger to be held, to feel love
I am the child who cried and no one came, who smiled and received a frown, who did not learn to laugh
I am the child who felt so many things sadness, excitement, anxiety, fear, curiosity, confusion
I am the child who without help to fathom my feelings so they sat in me then as they sit in me now

I am the adult who wants to be held, caressed, embraced but can not ask for it
I am the adult who shows too many, too few emotions to loved ones, to strangers, to you
I am the adult with no words to set free feelings so I unleash them with cold cuts into my skin
I am the adult who drinks and dopes my brain to suffocate and sedate a fountain of feelings

I am the child who lived with chaos, unpredictability and a hunger to be held, to feel love
I am the child who learnt to connect with you when you accepted all of me
I am the child who found words for my feelings when you did too
I am the child who knows, feels, and bathes in love from you
I am the child who will be the parent with love to give, feelings to share, acceptance to offer

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Get Well Or Die Trying…

For me, it has to be that simple. Live, get well & really live & commit everything 100% to living this life, throwing everything at it that I’ve learned about myself along the way & get on board. Because that is the only simple truth that I am left with, I have made the choice to live- That has to be the biggest decision ever ! I have chosen to NOT throw in the towel, call it a day, Commit Suicide. To quote a favourite film of mine ” I Choose Life ”

Most importantly to me is that it is a choice ( those choices  have been few & far between for me )  that I have made & a decision to carry it through every single second, minute, hour, day & sometimes what feels like never ending night, This can be difficult. However, I have to allow myself the small victories… I have a fantastic success rating based on the fact that I’m still here !!! Despite some pretty impressive attempts to not be.

There are a lot of reasons for deciding/choosing not to live = My illness, my exhausting addictions, my reckless way of alienating the people I care most for…. et al

For me there are two reasons to live = My Beloved daughter & because I DESERVE a life ! I must remind myself of that as much as I remember to breathe in & out, I Deserve to live. And that is different to what I had been doing, going the motions ‘ existing’ in a numb & nothing place.

I have D.I.D & complex PTSD These are a direct result of my past, yes my childhood also my adolescence. I am, in short ‘fecked up’ Horrible, disgusting, sociopathic people tried to ruin me, to break me – and it worked, my mind split it splintered into seperate parts each able to do what the other part couldn’t.And although DID is an ‘ illness ‘ if you look in any ( recent ) DSM , For me it is a gift , a gift that has allowed me to live because for sure without DID I would’ve died trying.