Today’s Quote

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Source: Today’s Quote


I am…

I am the Child
I am the child who lived with chaos, unpredictability and a hunger to be held, to feel love
I am the child who cried and no one came, who smiled and received a frown, who did not learn to laugh
I am the child who felt so many things sadness, excitement, anxiety, fear, curiosity, confusion
I am the child who without help to fathom my feelings so they sat in me then as they sit in me now

I am the adult who wants to be held, caressed, embraced but can not ask for it
I am the adult who shows too many, too few emotions to loved ones, to strangers, to you
I am the adult with no words to set free feelings so I unleash them with cold cuts into my skin
I am the adult who drinks and dopes my brain to suffocate and sedate a fountain of feelings

I am the child who lived with chaos, unpredictability and a hunger to be held, to feel love
I am the child who learnt to connect with you when you accepted all of me
I am the child who found words for my feelings when you did too
I am the child who knows, feels, and bathes in love from you
I am the child who will be the parent with love to give, feelings to share, acceptance to offer

Get Well Or Die Trying…

For me, it has to be that simple. Live, get well & really live & commit everything 100% to living this life, throwing everything at it that I’ve learned about myself along the way & get on board. Because that is the only simple truth that I am left with, I have made the choice to live- That has to be the biggest decision ever ! I have chosen to NOT throw in the towel, call it a day, Commit Suicide. To quote a favourite film of mine ” I Choose Life ”

Most importantly to me is that it is a choice ( those choices  have been few & far between for me )  that I have made & a decision to carry it through every single second, minute, hour, day & sometimes what feels like never ending night, This can be difficult. However, I have to allow myself the small victories… I have a fantastic success rating based on the fact that I’m still here !!! Despite some pretty impressive attempts to not be.

There are a lot of reasons for deciding/choosing not to live = My illness, my exhausting addictions, my reckless way of alienating the people I care most for…. et al

For me there are two reasons to live = My Beloved daughter & because I DESERVE a life ! I must remind myself of that as much as I remember to breathe in & out, I Deserve to live. And that is different to what I had been doing, going the motions ‘ existing’ in a numb & nothing place.

I have D.I.D & complex PTSD These are a direct result of my past, yes my childhood also my adolescence. I am, in short ‘fecked up’ Horrible, disgusting, sociopathic people tried to ruin me, to break me – and it worked, my mind split it splintered into seperate parts each able to do what the other part couldn’t.And although DID is an ‘ illness ‘ if you look in any ( recent ) DSM , For me it is a gift , a gift that has allowed me to live because for sure without DID I would’ve died trying.